The Adventure of the Mysterious Marks at Rattletrap Manor

If you'd walked in and seen me down on my knees in my underwear scrubbing the kitchen cabinets, you might have decided that the best thing to do was to quietly turn and walk right back out again, pretending you'd never been there.

As it happens, your alarm (or interest) would have been misplaced (though not necessarily unwelcome.) It's only that we have guests coming, and we're cleaning the house. I happened to remember, midway through changing into a more formal pair of jean shorts (for dinner), that I hadn't yet mopped the kitchen floor. And you know how it is. You're down there working on the floor and you notice the cabinets, and then you realize you really should do under the edge of the counter, and before you know it complete strangers are lining up into the street to have you buff their boots.

Or maybe that's just my lifestyle.(Whatever.)*

One of the notable historical features of our house is its array of interesting stains. The paint jobs are all eccentric: paint over stucco in the Aegean room, thick shiny enamel over false subway tile in the bathroom. And any number of interesting marks and signs of the Manor's former tenants. Particularly, spatters of what appears to be coffee, as if someone with a cel phone and a cup of coffee once wandered the house receiving good news and jumping for joy in every room.

The co-conspirator tackled a heap of dishes worthy of Withnail & I. (And note this mysterious entry in the IMDB.) He is gallantly giving up the Aegean room for our visitors and bunking down in the Magician's Retreat with me.

Yes, that's right, we live in a B&B.

Rattletrap Manor has Unique Rooms for You! Or Rather Us!

The Aegean Room

This one-of-a-kind space features a full wall of windows, with evening-blue curtains wavering like the ocean in the delightful breezes that idle through this airy, sun-soaked room. Rustic plaster walls give this room its Mediterranean feel, and accents in a range of blues from sky to midnight complete this unique environment. Eat grapes on the lounge-style double bed, and luxuriate in the best outdoor/indoor space nature and art could create together. Alarm clock, filing cabinet included.

The Magician's Retreat

A private and enchanted space, located at the back of the Manor, perfect for a writer's retreat. This out-of-the-ordinary environment boasts unparalleled evening light, as rich and golden as nostalgia's finest maple syrup. An outsized rustic four-poster bed with magical curtains shimmers beneath a radiant star lantern. Built-in dresser and vanity add historical charm. Fully-stocked bookshelves. Two closets, alarm clock included.

The Dining Room Floor

Our most popular choice. A spacious hardwood floor displays the clean lines of a springy foam mattress laden deeply with luxurious blankets, nestled between the dining room table and the handy corner writing desk. Easy access to foyer, living room, hallway, kitchen (via pass-through.) No alarm clock or storage. Cat upon request.

-rf

*Here's a violently obscure reference for you. There is a song called "My West Hollywood Lifestyle (Whatever)", which is a takeoff on a much less interesting song called "The United States of Whatever," which isn't too bad for obscurity (no worse than mentioning "Boom Boom (Let's Go Back to My Room)") until I mention that the only reason I know of this song at all was because I repeatedly watched a short montage of video clips set to it, said clips being chosen and juxtaposed to suggest sexual relationships between various (male) supporting characters and the eponymous protagonist of the recently-defunct television series Angel.

Apparently they give awards for this sort of thing. Who knew.

Actually, I knew people did this -- they've been doing it since Star Trek, without the benefit of digital editing suites -- but I had no idea it had become this artful. This was an accomplished piece of editing. Someone should hire this person to cut their films. Soon.